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Books that have been useful to me
- Confessions
of a Grieving Christian - by Zig Ziglar. This book has been the single
biggest help
in my attempts to deal with my grief over losing my mother. It was written
by Mr. Ziglar after his firstborn daughter's death at age 46, but it
applies to everyone who is suffering the loss of someone they love. It
gave me a little bit of peace in my heart. I can't reccomend it highly
enough.
- A
Grief Observed - by CS Lewis. This was reccomended to me by a friend
on the internet, and I am very thankful for it. It was written by CS Lewis
after his beloved wife passed away, and he deals with many of the things I
am struggling with in it. I am still working my way through it, it is so
rich and full of wisdom that I like to digest a bot at a time. It's
comforting to see a man as great as CS Lewis was wrestling with
the same horrible feelings and thoughts that I have had since my mom's
death.
- Motherless
Daughters - by Hope Edelman. This is a great book for anyone who has
lost a mother when under the age of 30. It does focus a lot of losing your
mother as a child, or a teenager, but I found a lot of it was applicable
to me as well. It somehow helps to see other people express the same
feelings you have.
I have also been greatly supported and encouraged by the Grief-adult-parents mailing list, and the Motherless mailing list, both at Egroups.
I wrote this today (6 November) after a very intense weekend and a terrible loss.
Loser
I've always been a loser
As long as I can remember
I was always getting
in trouble
with my Mother
for misplacing my things.
Valuable jewelry, clothing,
books, toys, sunglasses -
disappearing into the ether
never seen again.
But this year I think
I've set a new record.
Some of the things,
lipsticks, pens, cds,
were easily replaced
Some of the things,
like 20 some-odd pounds,
I was actually trying to lose
Some of the things
I never I thought would lose.
Thought I would die if I lost.
Like my mother
For 24 hours I sat
in the ICU watching
a machine do the breathing for her
watching her life
reduced to an endless stream
of numbers on multi-colored monitors
When they went up,
I pointed it out to the nurses
said "That's good, right?"
They smiled non-committaly
and went on with their routines
I wondered why the clearly posted
visiting hours
were not being enforced
for me.
Now I know.
It's always a bad sign
when they do that,
Suspending the ICU rules
means they know there is no hope.
But I didn't know that.
I still had hope.
Her hands stay with me.
I held her once beautiful slender
cool soft flawless left hand -
crying to feel it so hot
with the fever,
swollen and dry.
Her ever-present gold pinky ring
was cutting into her little finger.
How I focused on that ring
as her brain shut down
remembering seeing it
feeling it when she held me
for most of my life
feeling it as I held her
as she let go of hers
it was always there.
She was always there.
But I knew she was going
I assumed it was going with her
It didn't look like it would ever come off
At the funeral home
they handed me a tiny bag
and there was the ring
I slipped it onto my pinky
A tiny sliver of gold
glinting memories
of my mother
every time I looked at it
every time I felt it
a tiny golden piece
of her life
my life with her
It was slightly big on me
Several times
in the past eleven months
it almost slipped off
I would catch it and breathe
shaken with the near-loss
think of having it sized
and then forget
Saturday night
sitting in the dark
I felt for its always
comforting presence
and it wasn't there
I have lost so much
I have lost my mother
And now I've lost the ring
I hope I'm not in trouble.
I hope I'm not losing myself.